It is hard to believe it’s almost been two months since I finished radiation.  Though I continue to go in for a maintenance dose of chemo every three weeks, the side effects have been minimal.  That is a true gift.  One of the chemo drugs I’m on (Perjeta) is known to wreak havoc on digestive systems, but honestly has not on mine.  I praise God for that.  It’s not that way for every patient.

The last two months have been an interesting journey.  Here’s a quick summary:

• First week after completing radiation: sheer joy and celebration! Feels great to “be done” with the three big hurdles of cancer treatment
• The next few weeks: very surreal. For so many months, I’ve been marching through treatment.  All of a sudden, it was over.  Certainly, I was glad.  But I remember going to a dental appointment, or picking up Abby at school, and feeling like “no one knows this part of me.  To everyone else, I’m back to normal.  But I don’t feel normal.  I still am processing what’s happened to us.”
• Fear: Boy, I really dealt with fear those first few weeks after treatment ended. During treatment, you’re doing everything you can.  Everyone is being as proactive as possible to kill the invader.  (and technically, I’m still being treated!).  In those first few weeks after radiation, I wrestled with “what now?  I guess I wait to see if it reoccurs…for days, months, years.”  The fear grew until I was obsessing over the worry of reoccurrence.

Several people spoke into my life powerfully during this season.  One was a mentor who encouraged me to sit with the Lord as long as it takes to experience His freedom in this area.  He certainly does not want us in bondage to fear.  My mentor also encouraged me to share more with Gabe.  Process with him daily if needed.  I tend to pull inward when I am concerned / stressed / worried.

Gabe has been such a precious support during this year.  I was telling someone recently that you cannot know how your spouse is going to walk out his marriage vows until something like this happens.  From the first week, Gabe has been honest with his emotions, steady, faithful, helpful, and encouraging.  As I opened up about the fear I was experiencing, God used something he said to really free me.  It sounds a little morbid at first, but keep reading!  Here’s what he said.  Powerful.

You know, Leigh Anne, I know you’ve had a life-threatening illness, but nothing has really changed.  Either you or I could die in a car accident today or any time.  God has always known the number of our days.  God is still sovereign and in control after cancer.  You are feeling more perceived threat to your life, but it’s not really there.

What he said was a reminder of one of the main truths I’ve experienced during this journey.

“Worry is not going to change anything.” 

There’s a lot to worry about on a cancer journey!  Would Gabe and the kids be ok if I died?  What fears will my kids have from this journey?  Will this pain ever clear up, or will I always deal with this?  Will I be able to juggle like I used to?

I can choose to worry about various things, but the reality is that it’s not going to change a thing!  Obsessing about a cancer reoccurrence is not going to keep it from happening.  We’ll have to cross that bridge if we come to it.  And before you’re too impressed with my incredible wisdom, I want you to know that it’s not mine at all.

Matthew 6:27

“And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”

So the last few weeks have been about living and healing, and once again, enjoying and celebrating each day.  I am probably back 85-90% physically.  Truthfully, more than I thought I would be at this stage.  To most people, I seem like I’m already “back”.  I’m exercising, keeping up with the kids, doing the daily routine (with help: my parents have continued to be here).

I tire out more than I used to.  I still have some intermittent discomfort or pain physically.  The biggest thing I notice is that I cannot juggle like I used to.  (ie. Standing at the kitchen sink trying to make breakfasts, lunches, and juggle kid noise is truly difficult now.  Used to be effortless).  But honestly, that’s not necessarily a bad thing!  To compensate, I am acquiring some of the structure and organization that I’ve always wanted in my life, but did not have the motivation or discipline to implement.  Out of necessity, I am very carefully organizing my time.  Excellent!  It’s always been a goal of mine.  I simply thought it may be a pipe dream during this busy season of precious little kids.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us.  I’ll do my best to be more faithful to post updates.